Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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