After last night, I could never be a politician.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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