If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
