I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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