Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
