Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
