I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
