How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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