Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh god it's open bar.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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