so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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