you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
