dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
