Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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