If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
