hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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