Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
