I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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