Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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