I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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