I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
