i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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