I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
