just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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