Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she looked like the before picture.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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