Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
