There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
