Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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