WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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