highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
