how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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