dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
