watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
