good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
