My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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