Do you still have your period?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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