I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
