We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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