i was born a porn star she said
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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