You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
