Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
