Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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