I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
