The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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