I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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