Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
