he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
