just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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