uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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