Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
