There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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