when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
