Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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