And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
