Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
