i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
