You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
