I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
