call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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