I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize