She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
