I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
