Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
